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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23006599">Here By Faith</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyhereforellick/pseuds/onlyhereforellick'>onlyhereforellick</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCIS</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Miscarriage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 09:49:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,180</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23006599</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyhereforellick/pseuds/onlyhereforellick</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>for which we’ve prayed<br/>for which we’ve wept,<br/>the ones we never met</p><p>spoken dreams<br/>and untold fears<br/>we warred through the years</p><p>yet unending hope,<br/>his boundless love,<br/>came a gift from above </p><p>a guiding light<br/>here by faith<br/>on this joyous day</p><p>the tears we’ve shed<br/>were worth it all,<br/>in the end</p><p>because loving you<br/>is greater than<br/>you will ever know</p><p>-me</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ellie Bishop/Nick Torres</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. “I’m ready”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this one’s gonna hurt but it’s been an idea/topic I’ve wanted to address for a while</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the eve of their second anniversary. Getting engaged and then married had been a whirlwind—it was quick, it was perfect. They’d spent years skirting around their feelings, when they finally confessed- they went all in, immediately. Now, a couple years later, Ellie decided to bring up the big elephant in the room. She knew that infuriating biologic clock was ticking for her, and the dread that washed over her any time she feared she was too old to have a baby- well, that dread was getting heavy. She’d mentioned kids in passing a few times before, and Nick seemed open, but almost wary about it. Ellie couldn’t tell if his aversive reaction was due to his father being absent most of his childhood, or some other hang up- but she’d had enough of brushing off this conversation.</p><p>Knocking gently on the open bedroom door, Ellie peered in to see Nick perched on his side of the bed. His head hung low, studying a small picture frame she hadn’t seen before. The soft knock broke his trance and his head snapped up to look over at his wife. His expression was almost solemn, but with a mix of acceptance. Ellie couldn’t place why his features twisted so, but it softened her bravado. He seemed pained and immediately her fight deflated. Sensing the weight of emotion in the room, she called out softly, “Hey babe, you okay?”</p><p>Nick just nodded slowly, patting the spot on their white fluffy duvet beside him. Ellie delicately crossed the room to take a spot on the edge of the bed, never breaking eye contact with her usually strong husband who now seemed on the verge of tears. Before she had a chance to refute his nod, Nick cleared his throat and spoke up. “Sofia was pregnant.”</p><p>The raw emotion in his voice was like a knife to Ellie’s heart—<em>no wonder he avoided the kids conversation</em>.</p><p>Nick went on, eyes dropping from her face to the photograph in his white knuckling grip. Ellie followed his gaze to the black and white ultrasound image in front of her—she felt the tears well up in her lids. “She- she made me promise,” Nick’s voice cracked on the last word, and Ellie reached over to clasp his vibrating forearm. He calmed slightly at her touch, taking in a shaky breath before continuing, “She made me promise when she got sick. S-she wanted a baby- we wanted a baby.” Ellie saw a tear splash on the glass of the simple black frame, and the knife in her heart twisted at the pain she knew he’d carried for so long. The rest of his words tumbled out as if he didn’t release them, they would burn his core. “The moment she got her diagnosis, she made me promise to try for a baby. Selfishly I agreed. I wanted a piece of her, no matter what kind, with me forever. So the moment the doctors ordered further, extensive treatment for the cancer eating her body alive, she denied it. We’d started trying and she knew for the sake of any baby, she couldn’t continue treatment. The doctors warned her that the unchecked cancer would likely progress faster, deteriorating her life quicker. She didn’t care, and we weren’t married so I didn’t have a say. The morning we saw the positive test, she cried. Tears of joy fell from her like a waterfall—she was getting her dream, and I’d be getting my piece of Sofia.” Nick paused and somehow clenched the picture harder. Releasing one hand he brushed his index finger over the little white peanut floating in a black orb on the image. A lump formed in Ellie’s throat, making words impossible. “The doctors never predicted just how fast. It didn’t just progress, it consumed. It took every healthy cell, every fiber of her being from her. Two weeks later, the bleeding started. Sofia was inconsolable- the overwhelming feeling of failure at giving me the baby she wanted sent her into a dark depression. With her mind giving up the fight, the cancer won just a few days later.” A wry chuckle escaped from his lips, the irony of it not lost on Ellie. Lifting the frame and replacing it into his lap, Nick added, “She’d had this done the day before the miscarriage. The way her face lit up at seeing our baby on that tiny screen—“ Nick looked up at the ceiling with a ghost of smile on his face. “Peanut would’ve celebrated her sweet sixteen today.”</p><p>Ellie didn’t realize she was crying until she tried to speak. Leaning into Nick’s shoulder she wrapped her arms around him, drenching his shirt in the process. The watery words were not nearly enough support, but she knew he understood. “It’s not your fault, babe.”</p><p>The sharp intake of breath through clenched teeth was all the confirmation she needed. <em>He blamed himself. The guilt he must carry</em>…</p><p>“Nick, it is not your fault. Sofia was sick, there’s nothing you could’ve done,” Ellie pleaded with him, she hated seeing him so torn.</p><p>“I should have never made that promise,” Nick stated firmly.</p><p>Ellie rubbed his arms wishing she could take this bone deep pain away. “And you’ve beaten yourself up for 16 years over it, you’ve paid your dues.”</p><p>When he provided no reply, she lifted slightly from his shoulder to look at his face. “Why tell me this now?” It was the question she was dying to know since the second he started. They’d gotten a pretty gruesome case that involved a pregnant marine being murdered with a distinct focused beating to her abdomen—the message clear to the entire team. She’d noticed his face twist with hatred and anger the second Jimmy explain she’d been nine weeks pregnant.</p><p>Nick turned his head to stare deeply into her gaze, his eyes searched hers as if they held the answers. “You had the right to know,” was all he offered.</p><p>Ellie didn’t budge, she knew him and she knew there was more.</p><p>When she didn’t answer, Nick glanced down to her lap and back up, taking in a big, deep breath before going on, “I’m ready.”</p><p>Her heart began to soar at the words even though her head told her to be cautious. She probed, “Ready for…?”</p><p>Nick released his grip on the frame and reached up to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear, “I’m ready to start trying, El. I know you are- I’m ready too.”</p><p>More tears fell from their confines as his face showed only love and hope for the future. Whispering despite the quiet, “Nick, are you sure?”</p><p>Nick leaned across the space and pressed a soft brief kiss to her lips, breaking apart to whisper back, “I’m sure babe. As sure as I was about you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. She Had To Be</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first couple months of trying went by happily. Nick on the outside seemed to be at peace with the idea of them having a baby, even if Ellie could tell a little piece of him was still holding back. She knew it wasn’t her- Nick was sure about their marriage, about their relationship, about having a child together. No, she had a feeling it was the uncertainty of pregnancy. He hadn’t just been burned in the past, he’d been tortured- for years, the guilt consumed a deep dark hole in his heart, and Ellie wasn’t naive to think that would disappear suddenly when they started to try for a baby. A small part of her may have hoped that he’d overcome it quicker, but she also recognized the brash selfishness of that wish.</p>
<p>They’d decided to take a short vacation to celebrate their anniversary and their upcoming journey. Gibbs granted them the time off easily after sending the pleading in Ellie’s eyes and the ghost of pain in Nick’s.</p>
<p>Costa Rica had been beautiful—the sunny endless beaches, tropical bottomless drinks, lush dizzying rainforests. It was the escape they absolutely needed- the relaxation and carefree nature of the country seeping into their pores. Nick looked happier, lighter almost. It didn’t seem like a chore to “try” for a baby, it was effortless and fun and full of love. Ellie knee it was exactly the retreat Nick needed to let go of his past hurt and move towards healing with her and their baby.</p>
<p>A bittersweet return to work emphasized by Gibbs’ order to Nick and McGee only a week later. They’d all caught a case of a marine returning stateside in a cargo plane dead- not alive like he’d been when he left the Middle East. Nick and McGee were to hop on the next plane out to investigate the proposed crime scene. Ellie felt her eyes dot with unshed, and uncharacteristic tears as they said their goodbyes. Nausea rising at the thought of her husband traveling to a war torn country with only McGee as backup. A heavy swallow and she tried to dive back into her part of the investigation, hoping to lose herself in her work.</p>
<p>The one week assignment got pushed to two. Yet four days in and Ellie knew something felt off. Her uncanny intuition throwing up sirens, warning her that something big was on the horizon.</p>
<p>Three days later and she got her answer.</p>
<p>A tiny little screen, two faded blue lines forming a cross stared back at her.</p>
<p>Knees giving out, she collapsed in a heap on the bathroom floor. The joyful tears mixed with apprehension poured freely from her eyes. The feeling of elation overwhelming- her hands dropped the test sending it bouncing to the tile as she hugged her middle in awe.</p>
<p>The vision of a little toe-headed blonde boy with a goofy grin running through uncut grass chasing after a rogue soccer ball and his father assaulted her mind. Quickly followed by a giggling tiny girl with tight dark curls that fell perfectly along her jaw, framing her deep chocolate eyes that shone like the stars as she “tickled” her father. The pitter-patter of barefeet on hardwood echoed in her daydream, as she flashed immediately to a hazy image of the little boy picking a determined bright yellow dandelion from a crack in their concrete driveway and handing it to the younger girl.</p>
<p>Ellie couldn’t escape the joy bubbling within her, even if a small voice buried away in the basement of her brain whispered a warning of it being still very early. Joy won out though as Ellie threw closed the cellar door, locked that voice up tight, and tossed away the key.</p>
<p>Clamoring off the floor, Ellie hurriedly wiped at her soaked cheeks. A brief pause facing the mirror to gauge her reflection—lightly red rimmed eyes that still managed to sparkle, dusted pink cheeks that practically glowed. Her gaze drifted lower to her still flat abdomen. A rogue hand with a mind of its own raised up to rest just below her belly button. Her eyes fluttered shut as Ellie swore she already felt an unbreakable connection between her and their unborn baby. Their baby that she wanted more than anything, wanted to bring an ounce of joy to Nick’s face when he thought of pregnancy and babies.</p>
<p>Giddy to tell him, Ellie knew she couldn’t just call. This news was meant to be in person and since Nick was currently across the Atlantic, she’d take advantage and make the news special. She practically ran out of the bathroom, dashing through their small condo towards the front door—only slowing down to pull on shoes and grab her keys.</p>
<p>She made one stop- it was all she needed having planned this moment for months now in anticipation. It may seem silly to others, planning out how you’d tell your husband your pregnant, but for Ellie- it was special. It was special even before Nick told her his story, and afterwards, it became necessary. She was determined to put the most positive spin on this pregnancy journey- knowing it would cause Nick intense stress the entire nine agonizing months. The return home from the store Ellie spent the whole ride on the edge of her seat- too amped to finally create her surprise.</p>
<p>Within seconds of walking in the door, her shoes, keys, and wallet tossed carelessly to the side, Ellie made a beeline to their small office—<em>soon to be nursery</em>, she thought with a smile. Taking in the four walls with two windows providing lush natural light, Ellie’s heart sighed. It all felt <em>right</em>.</p>
<p>She uncovered her old glass paints- blowing on them slightly to relieve the light covering of dust that had collected with lack of use. Ellie picked her favorite rose gold shimmering paint and a thin brush. Reaching for the new stemless champagne flutes she purchased, her paintbrush moved expertly across the glass to reveal a loopy, meaningful announcement—the titles of <em>mom</em> and <em>dad</em> forever emblazoned on their glasses and their hearts.</p>
<p>She sat back as a satisfied grin grew across her face. Rising from the desk chair she brought the glasses over to the kitchen island. Delicately she arranged them front and center, perfect display for when Nick came home. Ellie placed the sparkling apple cider in the fridge, it was sure to be chilled by the time she needed to pop the bubbly and tell Nick they were getting their little family.</p>
<p>Waiting another week would be near impossible, but Ellie could manage. She’d hide her excitement when they talked over the sat phone, avoid looking too giddy at work or Jack and Kasie would come banging down her door with questions. The good news though- no one would ever know if she sat in the small office, dreaming up nursery decorations the rest of the day...or week.</p>
<p>She’d eventually envisioned the light gray paint with hints of blue tones on the walls, the dark gray, rustic crib that could transform into a toddler bed later. A shag navy blue circular rug would adorn the floor for a pop of color, matching the deep blue cotton sheets and changing pad. An accent of a rich forest green blanket on the stone-colored glider would match the vine garland hanging in the corner. She’d use her watercolors and paint a few animals of the jungle to hang opposite a collage of inspiring quotes and photographs. A nightstand in the corner housing a basket of hardback books with a little lamp for the sleepless nights when baby just needed a snuggle close... It was perfect, it warmed her heart. Ellie stood at the doorframe surveying the state of the office, with a small triumphant smile she flicked the light switch and padded down the hallway to finally get some rest.</p>
<p>The rhythmic shrill beeping of an alarm clock reminded her she still had to work despite her news. Groggily, Ellie reached over and put an end to the headache of noise forming. She swung her feet over the side of the bed and rubbed at her eyes as she begrudgingly went to start her day. The smell of fresh coffee assaulted her senses- she forgot she’d have to change the automatic coffee pot now. Still half asleep, Ellie went through the motions of getting ready, starting with the classic need to pee that came with the early pregnancy territory.</p>
<p>In the low light of the dawn, she almost missed it. But if she wasn’t quite awake before, she sure as hell was now.</p>
<p>Crimson red stained the bowl.</p>
<p>Not just a drop, no.</p>
<p>
  <em>She was bleeding.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Oh, no.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>No, no, no.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This couldn’t be happening.</em>
</p>
<p>Ellie collapsed to the cold, unwelcoming tile floor for an entirely different reason this morning. Gripping the edge of the toilet bowl she couldn’t rip her gaze from the blood inside. Her world tilted, all air sucked from her lungs.</p>
<p>
  <em>This couldn’t be happening.</em>
</p>
<p>A tiny part of her tried to reason with the sight- spotting was normal in the first trimester, right? This could be spotting...<em>right</em>? She felt like she was pleading with an unknown god. It <em>had</em> to be spotting. <em>It had to be</em>.</p>
<p>The tears fell silently despite her best efforts to keep them trapped inside. She shook as her grip never lessened.</p>
<p>
  <em>This couldn’t be happening.</em>
</p>
<p>She sat there in a crumpled heap for what felt like hours, staring at the slowly dissipating red tinge in front of her. When the tears slowed, she stood on trembling legs. A quick splash of water on her face and change of clothes was all she could handle. Work was calling—quite literally, Kasie had called several times and she even has a text from Gibbs.</p>
<p>It had been a blur, she showed up, she did her duty, she put on a brave face. No one knew, of that she was sure. Ellie had always been strong, and she would continue to be so. Not a soul would know of the pads she was changing every few hours as the bleeding didn’t let up. Not a soul would know the cramping in her abdomen was like a butterknife to her heart a million times over. Not a soul would know Ellie’s soul was dying little by little with each every ounce that left her body.</p>
<p>Blessedly the case wrapped two days later and Gibbs gave the team the next few days off as McGee and Nick traveled home. Ellie called her doctor that afternoon- an appointment set first thing in the morning. It was time to get confirmation of what she already knew.</p>
<p>Walking to their bedroom that night passing the closed office door sent an ache deep through her bones. Tears stung her eyes as she thought back to her dream for the nursery—<em>and it was just that- a dream.</em></p>
<p>Not even bothering with washing her face, Ellie succumbed to her weariness and fell into bed. Sleep a struggle, but eventually in the wee hours of the morning, it came.</p>
<p>Too early, the morning dawned and with it- her appointment. Truly, it was all a blur—the weight check, the blood pressure, peeing in a cup—all of it. The only part of the day in perfect clarity, the moment the doctor entered the room with a practiced neutral facial expression, crossing her legs, not even peering at the file- saying, “The test came back negative.”</p>
<p>A dull buzzing rung in her ears, it took a second to realize it was the sound of blood rushing to her head.</p>
<p><em>Negative</em>.</p>
<p>Ellie heard nothing else, the doctor’s lips moved, but no sound made it to her ears. Tears never fell- they never would in front of people. She was stronger than that. She’d keep it together until she made it home. She was strong- she had to be.</p>
<p><em>Negative</em>.</p>
<p>The world felt empty, Ellie but a microscopic dot on a blank white page. The life drained from her like the blood from her womb.</p>
<p>Robotically she drove home, made it the thirty minute drive without shedding a tear. The front door clicked behind her and the metal clanging of keys hitting the dish on the foyer table echoed along her ear drums. Eyes cast down staring at the bare wooden floors that wouldn’t be graced with tiny little feet wobbling across them. Squeezing her eyes shut to hold back the moisture, Ellie paused and looked up. Her line of sight dead center on the glasses she’d so carefully placed just 24 hours before.</p>
<p><em>24 hours</em>.</p>
<p>That was all she had with her baby, 24 hours. A phrase the doctor used floated into her mind, apparently her subconscious had listened even if she hadn’t.</p>
<p><em>Chemical pregnancy</em>.</p>
<p>She supposed that was meant to relieve her pain. She’d been so early on, only a few weeks, that it was barely a miscarriage. She choked at the first thought of that word. She hadn’t allowed herself to even think it until now.</p>
<p><em>Miscarriage. She miscarried</em>.</p>
<p><em>Nick will be inconsolable, he can’t go through this again</em>, Ellie thought grimly to herself.</p>
<p>And with that, she made a promise—she wouldn’t be telling him.</p>
<p>Quickly taking the glasses off their perch, she shoved them in the deep recesses of a lower corner cabinet. Yanking open the fridge door she grabbed the sparkling cider and with pent up anger, threw it into the trashcan- listening to the glass shatter, her hope along with it.</p>
<p>But she’d be strong. She’d be strong, for herself, for the baby she’d never meet, for Nick.</p>
<p>She had to be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>remember I said based on true stories? this chapter is mine.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. “I’m here.”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>was going to make this longer, but getting what I have up because the next part will be a lot.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He hadn’t suspected a thing.</p><p>Their reunion was joyous- hugs and tenderly passionate kisses. Ellie’s excuse later about that time of the month went over without even a blip. Nick’s facial expression never changing, instead remaining uncharacteristically optimistic.</p><p>It was brutal.</p><p>But Ellie was stronger than her feelings. Stronger than the desire to crumble at the sight of the growing pile of used pads tossed in the trash. Stronger than the unshed tears building behind tired eyes. Stronger than it all.</p><p>For Nick. All for Nick.</p><hr/><p>One month later and she found herself once again hovering over a tiny stick, only bigger than a pen. An upgrade from little blue lines that lied to unmistakeable words outlining her truth.</p><p><em>Pregnant</em>.</p><p>The single word shaking in front of her eyes as she realized her hands had been trembling. Her knuckles white from the grip she held on the stick that held hope. Hope that her strength was paying off.</p><p>Silently, Ellie wrapped up the test and buried it in the back corner of her cabinet in the bathroom, coming to rest palms pressed into the cold granite countertop. Head hung Ellie breathed in slowly—a rush of emotions swirled in her gut.</p><p>Grief, for her baby lost.<br/>Hope, for her baby to come.<br/>Guilt, for hiding her truth.<br/>Love, for their future family.<br/>Despair, for the pain she carried alone.<br/>Faith, for the journey unfolding.</p><p>Breathing out, releasing everything to the world, she looked up, locking eyes with herself in the mirror.</p><p><em>Pregnant</em>.</p><p>This time was different- she didn’t see the rosy hue to her cheeks, glowing eyes. She didn’t see a woman filled with absolute love for her unborn baby.</p><p>She saw the struggle. She saw the pain. The faint red rim to eyes that had refused to cry. The faded purple bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. The weary expression that lacked a glow.</p><p>One thing remained the same- her connection. She felt a deep bond to that unborn baby as if she’d experienced no heartbreak in the past. As if her entire soul hadn’t drained from her body with every drop of blood she shed only a month before.</p><p>Ellie took solace in that. She could build on that bond, she had to. For Nick.</p><hr/><p>The front door slamming shut echoed through the cold apartment, Nick’s arrival signaled only moments later, “Babe!” Ellie shook her head dismissively at the pet name she’d come to enjoy, “I got your favorite!”</p><p>She smiled gently to herself- knowing exactly the kind of beer he meant, and how in only a matter of minutes Nick’d realize it would be quite a long time till she would be drinking any beer.</p><p>His voice sounded again, “Babe? You home?” before rounding the corner to the kitchen.</p><p>She saw his eyes scan the set dinner table, nostrils flare at the smell of his favorite dish, before his gaze fell on her frame at the head of the table.</p><p>She smiled softly, “I’m here.”</p><p>Nick raised an eyebrow, “What’s all this?” as he gestured to the unusual scene in front of him.</p><p>Hands to her hips defiantly, Ellie felt the pressure on her chest lessen ever so slightly at their familiar banter, “What? Your wife can’t make her husband his favorite meal?”</p><p>Nick’s glowered at her through narrowed eyes, “Only when she wants something...” he trailed off as his eyes went back to searching the apartment for clues.</p><p>It was her cue, Ellie twisted to reach behind her body, grabbing two skinny flutes- the rose-gold swirly decoration on the side pressed into her palm a gentle reminder of the pain of the past. A deep breath in through her nose and she spun back around. Wordlessly she held out the stemless flute to Nick, watching as the bubbles of sparkling cider floated up to the surface, akin to the secrets she kept threatening to bubble up and escape her desperately kept confines of a heart.</p><p>Nick unfazed grasped the flute from his hand and mid way to a cheers with her glass, he felt it.</p><p>Stopping in midair, he delicately twisted the glass with his fingers until the scrolled word came into his view.</p><p>
  <em>dad</em>
</p><p>She could tell his throat closed. Immediately his eyes welled with moisture as he tore his gaze from three simple letters to her wary face. Hoarsely he whispered, “Is this- Ellie, are we-“</p><p>He couldn’t finish his question and Ellie just nodded hurriedly, the nerves of his reaction building every second longer he remained emotionless.</p><p>When his glass lowered and he took a determined step to her, closing the gap- she stopped breathing. His free hand lifted to hold her jaw, fingers tangling in her loose hair. Head leaning down, lips inches from hers and he whispered, “I love you both, so much,” before sealing it with a kiss.</p><p>Ellie’s lungs seized and her heart soared, butterflies taking flight in her stomach.</p><p>She had been strong.</p><p>Now she could be happy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a tiny bit of my story in here as well ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. They Had To</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Happiness, a complicated concept.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Happiness, a complicated concept.</p><p>How did you stay happy when the guilt crawled inside you?<br/>
How did you stay happy when the grief licked at your frayed nerves?<br/>
How did you stay happy when the truth threatened to eat you alive?</p><p>Yet- Nick.</p><p>He wasn’t just happy, he was ecstatic. He practically bounced off the walls when he’d speak of their baby. Ellie might not have the fabled pregnancy glow, but Nick sure did. They hadn’t told a soul at work, yet Ellie had a feeling they could all guess- they were special agents anyways.</p><p>Suddenly Nick was more protective of her—reminding her to eat, replenishing her snack pile, offering to go to the crime scene instead of her. The independent woman inside her desperately wanted to cry out, but the guilt for hiding her first miscarriage silenced the voice. Instead, Ellie vowed to enjoy the special attention, revel in a husband that wanted to keep her safe.</p><p>Because if she so much as twisted it- just barely- just slightly- she felt like a despicable human. She refused to think about how Nick may not be protecting <em>her</em>, but instead protecting the baby. It wasn’t about her life and health, it was about history not repeating itself.</p><p>But she refused to go down that path.</p><p>Nick was happy. Ellie was happy. <em>They</em> were happy.</p>
<hr/><p>Until they weren’t.</p>
<hr/><p>Eight weeks in. Two months, sixty days- however you wanted to phrase it.</p><p>Her body had failed.</p><p>Again.</p><p>It wasn’t a question, her body failed.</p><p>Ellie failed.</p><p>She stared at the grainy black and white screen unseeing. The technician’s concerned voice murmuring about stepping out to find the doctor. Nick’s hand squeezing a vice grip into her own. Ears ringing at the overwhelming guilt washing over her like a tidal wave.</p><p>She’d failed.</p><p>The unmistakable peanut floating in its midnight black orb would seem normal to everyone else.</p><p>The lack of a heartbeat, though?</p><p>Ellie had failed.</p><p>She’d lied to Nick, created a division between them he hadn’t even known- splitting their loving home in two.</p><p>What was that saying, again?</p><p>Nothing grows when a house ain’t a home?</p><p>That one.</p><p>The guilt quickly replaced with self-loathing. A rush of air knocked from her lungs at the realization she’d not only managed to lose their baby, but she could lose Nick. He may hate her after this. How could she face him after this? How would he see her? How did she tell him about their first baby?</p><p>A crushing weight landed square on her chest, Ellie practically gasping for air. Her hand flew to her chest, pulling at the paper-thin gown as if she could ease the pain. Nick flinched at the motion and snapped his eyes to her face. He mumbled a mix of concerned questions and his hands fluttered around her chest.</p><p>Ellie absentmindedly swatted his hands away, he didn’t need to comfort her. This was her fault- she made her bed and now she had to lie in it. Gripping his hand, she tugged and brought his body closer.</p><p>Her voice thick with emotion and tears that she refused to let loose, Ellie whispered, “Are you okay?”</p><p>Three little words, but she knew he understood all that was unsaid.</p><p>Nick swallowed nervously and let out a small nod. His voice cracked as he responded, “I will be.”</p><p>She felt the dagger to her heart as the pain in his voice etched deep. What she wouldn’t do to take it all away. What she wouldn’t sacrifice to give this man a baby. Ellie may not deserve it, but Nick did. He deserved a baby and the world, frankly.</p>
<hr/><p>A week of bleeding followed the procedure she never wanted to speak of. Ellie would bury that memory far into the recesses of her mind.</p><p>Nick’s broken face when she exited the exam room just dug that knife further into her heart. Ellie felt the pull to comfort him and the disgust with the audacity of herself. She didn’t deserve to soothe his pain. <em>She</em> caused it.</p><p>And yet- through it all, somehow, Ellie just wanted this baby more. She’d do anything to see the little cherub cheeks. See that angel face snug in Nick’s arms.</p><p>She’d gone through the misery of losing one baby alone, and now a second with Nick. Yet she still wanted it more.</p><p>She was determined to see that face. To have Nick see that face.</p><p>The ghost of a man that had replaced him when the realization of a lost heartbeat meant so much <em>more</em> than they expected killed Ellie slowly.</p><p>Nick tried to hide it, but she saw the broken pieces inside.</p><p>She knew the feeling.</p><p>Yet she’d be strong. She had to. For him.</p>
<hr/><p>They never made the active decision, but the air shifted. They’d stopped trying.</p><p>It wasn’t a heartfelt conversation, it went unspoken, but Ellie knew. She knew he couldn’t handle the potential heartbreak...again. So she stayed quiet, she stayed strong.</p>
<hr/><p>A month later and Ellie found herself mouth agape in the squad room.</p><p>
  <em>Syria. Six months. Undercover. No contact.</em>
</p><p>She felt the remaining piece of her- practically a chip of glass- shatter. Nick would be gone for at least six months. With zero contact.</p><p>His eyes trailed over to hers and the emptiness she saw in them sent her chest aching for the vibrant man that used to be.</p><p>When he complied with his orders without a fight, Ellie understood.</p><p>He needed time away from her- from what could have been <em>them</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>Wrapped in his arms later that night, despite a part of them still broken, she felt whole.</p><p>It was a weird phenomenon, but that was love, wasn’t it?</p><p>Two broken people working to create a whole?</p><p>They had a lot of work to go, but Ellie knew- cradled in his arms after a tender intimate goodbye, they were whole.</p><p>Nick’s lips brushed a faint kiss to her hair before he spoke gently, “I love you, Ellie.”</p><p>Her breath caught at his words- the first he’d said them since that dark exam room staring at a silent screen.</p><p>He continued softly, “Your heart is my home, I hope you know that.”</p><p>Nodding, Ellie whispered back with watery words, “I do, Nick. And yours, mine.” She swallowed as her hand clenched his naked middle tighter, “I love you, too.”</p><p>The words, “I’m so sorry,” died on the tip of her tongue. He wouldn’t understand- he’d brush her off. He didn’t know the weight of his words on her hurting heart.</p><p>They would be okay.</p><p>They had to.</p><p>She was his home, and he, hers. They’d bring a baby home when he got back.</p><p>They had to.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this is part of a third friend’s story. this stuff is real, folks- reach out to your friends, let them know you love them &amp; they are not, I repeat, NOT a failure. we all think it, I promise you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. “All contact”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Another month passed yet it felt like time stood still. She felt no different, still somberly going through the motions as each day meant another day not spent with Nick. Another day unsure of how he’d feel about her when he got back. <em>If</em> he got back.</p>
<p>He’d said Ellie’s heart was his home, but...were those just pretty words? Wrapped up in a neat bow to put her mind at ease while he was gone? Said to assuage the guilt she felt for losing their baby?</p>
<p>Gibbs’ gruff remark finally broke through her reverie, “Bishop!” It wasn’t a shout, but the urgency in his tone was palpable.</p>
<p>Instantly every hair stood on end, her nerves crackled with energy as if something as simple of her name had electrocuted her.</p>
<p><em>Something was wrong</em>.</p>
<p>Her mind hurriedly flipped through the past week’s events- the case, the victim, McGee- none of it registered high enough on her radar to warrant this tone.</p>
<p>
  <em>Nick.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Shit.</em>
</p>
<p>How the hell had Ellie forgotten? It was Friday. Their every other week message from Nick’s handler to say he was alive. That was all they got but Ellie fed herself that information like she was starving in a desert.</p>
<p>Ellie’s eyes looked up to see Gibbs’ piercing hers, sending a long swallow down her throat. Her stomach rolled on its own accord as her mind already started to wander down a dangerous path.</p>
<p>In a low, gruff voice, Gibbs finally shared his news, “He hasn’t checked in, Bishop.” He paused, visibly struggling with a breath to calm himself, “They’ve lost,” another pause, “all contact.”</p>
<p>She erupted. Quite literally. Hand slapping her mouth closed at the bile that threatened to spill on her desk, Ellie clamored out of her seat in a sprint to the bathroom.</p>
<p>Head hung low over the toilet as her body shook with retch after retch, long past any actual vomit produced.</p>
<p>
  <em>Nick was missing. She knew the odds.</em>
</p>
<p>Another retch.</p>
<p>
  <em>She’d never get to tell him. The guilt forever hers.</em>
</p>
<p>Retch.</p>
<p>
  <em>They’d never bring a baby home. The failure forever hers.</em>
</p>
<p>Retch.</p>
<p>A slight tapping sounded off in the distance, Ellie barely noticing the creak of the bathroom door opening before she felt the light pressure of Jack’s hand on her back rubbing soothing circles.</p>
<p>“Let me take you home,” she spoke softly.</p>
<p>A cracked sob escaped Ellie’s chest at her word- <em>home</em>. How she could go back there she didn’t know, but what other choice did she have?</p>
<p>Wordlessly Ellie stood with Jack’s help. She was ushered out of the building without a fight, the life drained from her, flushed down the toilet. That seemed to be a constant theme for her.</p>
<p>At some point Jack managed to get her to promise a doctor’s visit. Something about her color and weight. Ellie barely processed it- just said whatever she could to please the woman next to her. Whatever she could to be alone faster.</p>
<p>Not like it would help.</p>
<p>One step into her apartment, one look at the kitchen counter where they’d celebrated their unborn baby just a half a year prior. One look and she found herself draped over the toilet once again.</p>
<p>Using the back of her hand to wipe at her mouth, no energy in her to care, she made good on her promise. A quick call to her doctor and she was scheduled first thing tomorrow morning. Besides, at this point she needed any excuse out of this failure of a home.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Bare toes linked together as Ellie rocked her legs back and forth on the exam table. Her focus straining as the hum of fluorescent lighting reminded her of Nick’s time in a hospital not too long ago. The rush of emotion attempting to take her under and so she focused on her toes. The simplest of things in the room.</p>
<p>The young brunette doc bounced into the exam room preceding herself with a cheery knock. <em>Too happy</em>, Ellie grumbled in her head.</p>
<p>“Good morning, Mrs. Bishop!” Ellie cringed at the insinuation, who knew if she had a husband anymore. Yet the doctor marched on unaware, “I think I have an answer to all your problems,” she announced still too happy.</p>
<p><em>We’ll see about that</em>, Ellie thought cynically. She murmured a noise of question instead, getting the doc to elaborate.</p>
<p>Her hands clapped together, echoing off the bare, sage-colored walls, “You’re pregnant!”</p>
<p>Ellie physically felt her heart stop. Her chest tighten.</p>
<p>When she offered no reply, the young doctor’s smile faltered but she pressed on- slightly more somber, “You’re just about four months along, based on your levels...” she trailed off as Ellie was sure her face went ashen white.</p>
<p>
  <em>Four months.</em>
</p>
<p>Longer than she’d ever carried a baby.</p>
<p>Their goodbye- was actually a hello?</p>
<p><em>Pregnant</em>.</p>
<p>Without Nick.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>based on a few true stories (one of which is mine)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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